As mentioned several posts ago, June is a month rife with conflict for me. It started again, this year, with boom and the doom on my horizon. Everything Bar Harbor was was the sublime force holding it back. And because, no matter what I write, I’m a fantasy nerd at heart…
I’ve kept the Balrog at bay until today. The actual anniversary of his death isn’t until Friday; no matter what the date, for me, Father’s Day is always going to be Christofer’s last day on the planet. It’s the anniversary of the last chance I had to change everything. The anniversary of my failure to see all I should have seen. The last day my husband, children and I were all together. Forever and ever Amen.
In the time since Chris’ death, things have changed. In my own life, our family life, the world at large. Life goes on, right? There have been some truly extraordinary personal events, from going to Europe for the first time to the entirety of The Bar Harbor etc. book experience; from my daughter and her family moving back to New Milford, to putting the house up for sale. Lording over it all, my Balrog. Like Gandalf, today, I fall.
It’s okay. I need to fall once in a while. I need to feel all the pain of losing my son. It feels strangely good, like pressing on a canker sore. I’m not looking for sympathy (though I’ll always take hugs.) I just needed to get it out of my head, and this is my place to do so. I promised I would. It helps.
This week will be another amazing one, I’m certain. My grands will be here to swim, more Bar Harbor stuff, some dinners with friends. And today, I get to see my brothers and their families, my younger daughter, her boyfriend and their puppy. Of course, my parents. But I’ll still be in the snow with the Balrog, too. Like Gandalf, I’ll find my way out of the dark again. As always wiser, stronger, better able to fight the next time.
Modesty Is For Suckers 
Sending you scads of hugs, and wishing for the perfect words to surround you with peace and comfort. Love you Terri-Lynne!
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Love you back, Bev. Thanks for the hugs. ❤️
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That was weird. Why did I have to approve my own comment? And why does WordPress not recognize me? LOL
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Our Christofer lives on forever in so many ways. Our son will never be forgotten and we can hold the memories of him forever closer to our hearts.
Frankie D
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I love you, Frankie D.
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Terri, I’m going to be honest. It is good and right and heathy that you mourn the loss of Chris. But you cannot punish yourself for things that were beyond your control. It was not on you to change everything, to see more than all that you saw, which was already so much more than most mothers could have borne seeing and embracing and managing with the depth, wisdom, and love that you did. How many times have you scolded me for assuming too much responsibility for things beyond my control? Now I must do the same for you. This will always be a sad and terrible anniversary for you, but it shouldn’t be a day to flog yourself for sins you didn’t commit. I know you know this in your heart, but I feel compelled to give you this gentle reminder, with love & healing thoughts & many hugs. Chris knows you were always there for him. You were always there, and this is what mattered the most.
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My darling. Thank you. I do know, and I rarely hold on to all that darkness and failure. I can’t help feeling it now and then. Havingbest beloveds like you to remind me is everything. Love you.
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Love you too!
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I can’t say it any better than Karin did. Sending you and your family lots of love and hugs. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Thank you, sweetheart. ❤️
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Hugs and love and, as ever, my deepest admiration for your strength.
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I have a friend who serenades me from her purple Jeep. What else will I ever need?
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Sending you extra love, sweet friend.
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Thank you sweet friend.
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I’m glad you grieve out loud. And, from the posts above, I think you know this but I’ll say it again as a reminder: You couldn’t have changed it. You could have stalled it, maybe, but it wasn’t your ending to change. I hope as time goes by, you can let go of that piece of your pain.
I know this will be a tough week but bask in the good that you’ve got lined up. Christopher would want that for you. And I do too! Love, Bea
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My Bea. How I love you! I know, rationally, I could do nothing to change anything. I do. But love isn’t always rational. Neither is grief. But, honestly, I do know. Once in a while, I just have to shout it into the wind just to keep it from building up.
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There’s never (for me, at least) the ‘right’ words to express how my heart aches for you and Frank and your family, how angry I feel at the universe for leaving this reality on your doorstep. You were locked in a battle for so long that in reality could never have allowed you to win, and I know you still are. Once it arrived, there was little that could have changed the course. One thing is certain, you and Frank loved Christofer with all you had and gave him a lifetime of security and acceptance and devotion. I have no doubt that those things kept him afloat on many occasions. Hang in there. You have friends who want you to know we care.
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The best friends. Thanks, Deb. Your words and your love mean everything to me.
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A Welsh *cwtch* & my best love. xXx
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Cwtch. I love that. How to the Welsh come up with the exact right words for things? 🙂 My love back to you, sweet lady.
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(((hugs)))
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Back at you, love.
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❤ Maybe one day you won't think of this as the anniversary of your failure, though I know it's very hard to stop yourself at times. When a loved one suffers, we always wonder if we could've done more. A wise therapist I used to go to finally got me to see how when you push someone to change (even for good), they usually just push back. Your pushing came from a place of love, I know that. But was nothing you could fix. (((hugs)))
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I do know. Rationally. The irrational sometimes takes over. When it happens, I let it have its way with me for a little while. You know me. I don’t hold on to it long. It’s just necessary once in a while, to feel that pain in all its horrific glory. I have you (and all of the above!) to make sure I never wallow long.
Love you tons.
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Love,hugs & kisses to you & your family !💞
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Thank you, love.
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