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$800 Valentine’s Giveaway!

 Hey, all! Want a chance to win one of four $200 Amazon gift cards in The Kindle Book Review’s $800 Valentine’s Giveaway? Of course you do, especially when all you have to do is click click on the link and enter at the #1 site for reader giveaways–The Kindle Book Review. It’s easy & fun. If you love reading, enter now. Ends Feb. 22. Valentine’s Giveaway

Seeking Carolina is on page two, and currently only 99 cents. Not only will you get a fabulous book to read, but several chances to win a $200 gift card.

Valentines-2

 

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Putting things in their places

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Seven months. Seven months. It seems impossible.Just the other day, I made him softshell crabs for dinner. And yet, it seems like he’s been gone so, so long.

We emptied his room out within the week of his death. I didn’t want to erase him from the house, (as if that were possible–he imbues every splinter, every molecule of air,) but I couldn’t bear to have it look like he’d be home any minute either. We moved his couch up from the basement–the one that was the scope of his world for months after his accident. Frank’s desk went in there. Pictures. Family Mementos. The antique table and all the games. We had it painted.

And there it stood still, a catchall for things we couldn’t deal with just yet. Not his room. Not Frank’s office. Not a game room. Just there.

The bathroom, essentially his, was the same. Stuff piled in the tub long after it was repainted. No shower curtain up. Just sinks, a toilet, and light fixtures.

I bought a new shower curtain yesterday, and put it up today. Then hung a picture, a big wooden star. It looks like a bathroom again. Frank and I also started putting his room back together. We hung pictures and rearranged the furniture so that it’s not all thrown in  haphazardly. Best of all, we hung his bows–in all states of their creation–on the wall.

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The top one is an arrow–two, in fact, from where he got a bullseye in a bullseye. If I remember correctly, it was at seventy yards. That’s where he usually shot from. Robin Hood would have been proud. That wasn’t the only time he did it, but it was the first. The rack it and the bows are lashed to? He built it as a frame to hold the bows while he varnished them. It was cathartic, putting it all together, hanging it on the wall. And not without a few tears.

This moving on thing is harder than anyone has any idea until they’re faced with doing it themselves. I’ll just leave that there now.

Peace.

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Snapshots

The electrician came this morning; a man I’ve known for years.Well enough to be happy to see him; not well enough to know if he has a wife, kids, though I know he has a dog. He installed a new light fixture in the walkout basement workshop Chris built and we had enclosed properly just a few months ago.

“This is new,” he said.

“Our son built the frame and we had a roof put on recently.”

“Oh, so he can work on ATVs and stuff out here?”

“Yeah,” I said. He died last June, I didn’t say. There was no reason to. He knows me well enough to feel that instant moment of sorrow, to go home and tell his wife or dog how bad he felt, but not well enough for that information to be relevant to his world.

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We planted trees for our kids in the old house on Country Farm Lane, trees grown too big in the ten years we were there to take with us when we left. Here along the river, we planted new trees. Apple trees for Scott and Chris, a Kwanzan cherry for Grace, and a Magnolia for Jamie.

In the Halloween blizzard of 2011, Gracie’s tree was damaged by branches weighed down with snow on leaves. Christofer’s toppled. Scott’s tree, that had never really thrived, held on with little damage. Jamie’s, despite all the heavy snow on leaves, held strong, the branches popping back to their places as the snow melted.

We trimmed Grace’s tree, and it looked pretty sad for a while, but even the split in the trunk healed. It flowers abundantly despite the scars spied among the foliage.

Scott’s tree continues to hang on, wiry branches stretching in every direction, but it always flowers, always bears a little fruit.

Jamie’s tree grows ever-outward. It blooms randomly throughout the year. April. July. September, I’ve even seen those fuchsia and white blooms–two, five–in January.

Christofer’s tree, we braced as upright as we could get it. The roots replanted themselves, but it never quite got back up again. It blooms profusely, and bears more apples than we can use, but it grows sideways out of the hill, reaching down instead of up.

Had I written all that into a novel, these melodramatic metaphors, it would have seemed heavy-handed. Cliche, perhaps. Even saccharine-sweet. And yet, there you have it. I couldn’t ignore the real-life symmetry, children and trees, if I wanted to.

I’ve been thinking about it ever since–ergo, this entry. Maybe it’ll stop floating through my mind now.

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A better day

I’m just taking a moment to thank you all. Those who commented here, on Facebook, and privately. I am loved. By family. Friends. Strangers. It’s an honor.

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Old word, new meaning

Anguish: 1. noun severe mental or physical suffering. 2. verb be very distressed about something.

Etymology: c. 1200, “acute bodily or mental suffering,” from Old French anguisse, angoisse “choking sensation, distress, anxiety, rage,” from Latin angustia (plural angustiae) “tightness, straitness, narrowness;” figuratively “distress, difficulty,” from ang(u)ere “to throttle, torment” (see anger (v.)).

3. Terri’s definition; finite but intense bouts of emotional pain so severe as to cause physical pain.

I know words. I love words, and really dig learning the history of them. I started thinking of my own definition of anguish just the other day, when searching for the word to go along with what was going on inside me. Damn, it hits me out of nowhere. And man-oh-man does it hurt. Physical, overwhelming pain. Then I pull it together and it eases.

I was surprised and yet not surprised to discover the etymology of anguish, only moments ago. Choking sensation. Torment. Related to anger. Upon reflection, I realized that anguish isn’t a prolonged sensation. Acute, yes. Recurring, ditto. But finite. Agony*, on the other hand, can go on and on. Maybe agony is what happens when anguish gets out of its box and won’t go back in.

Realizing that will keep me pulling it together whenever that sensation hits. The more you know, right?

 

*late 14c., “mental suffering” (especially that of Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane), from Old French agonie, agoine “anguish, terror, death agony” (14c.), and directly from Late Latin agonia, from Greek agonia“a (mental) struggle for victory,” originally “a struggle for victory in the games,” from agon “assembly for a contest,” from agein “to lead” (see act (n.)). Sense of “extreme bodily suffering” first recorded c. 1600.

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