Ten years ago today, Chris took the fall that would change him completely, and ultimately lead to his death. Despite all the physical and mental pain during those years, I got to spend a lot of time with my son. I cherish every conversation, even the ones I didn’t wholly understand because he talked serious science and theory I had no idea about. He knew that. But I listened. I tried. I learned. And that was what was important to him. He called me turtle. He loved me more than he loved anyone else in the world. I have that. Oh, wow. I have that.
Finding and holding on to the joy of all I do have is something I have to work hard at lately. More so than during those first days of this grief. I’m trying. I’m succeeding. And yet I find the tears welling up from so deep inside me it hurts coming out happening more and more often. I have to keep reminding myself of all I do have. I have to remember that there are so many people who’ve lost more in far more terrible ways, that this all could have gone even worse for us. I have to hope my son is off having many adventures, in a place I can’t reach him now, but will someday. And I have to know, that one way or another, he’s free of all those things that caused him so much pain here.
One foot in front of the other.
Day by day.
So if you have some joy to share, please do. I’ll take all I can get.