Trying hard

Ten years ago today, Chris took the fall that would change him completely, and ultimately lead to his death. Despite all the physical and mental pain during those years, I got to spend a lot of time with my son. I cherish every conversation, even the ones I didn’t wholly understand because he talked serious science and theory I had no idea about. He knew that. But I listened. I tried. I learned. And that was what was important to him. He called me turtle. He loved me more than he loved anyone else in the world. I have that. Oh, wow. I have that.

Finding and holding on to the joy of all I do have is something I have to work hard at lately. More so than during those first days of this grief. I’m trying. I’m succeeding. And yet I find the tears welling up from so deep inside me it hurts coming out happening more and more often. I have to keep reminding myself of all I do have. I have to remember that there are so many people who’ve lost more in far more terrible ways, that this all could have gone even worse for us. I have to hope my son is off having many adventures, in a place I can’t reach him now, but will someday. And I have to know, that one way or another, he’s free of all those things that caused him so much pain here.

One foot in front of the other.

Day by day.

So if you have some joy to share, please do. I’ll take all I can get.

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21 Comments

Filed under Family

21 responses to “Trying hard

  1. Lise-Marie

    Joy you say ? I finally finished a book (writing) that i have been stuck on for monthsssssss. I was able to go to the ocean and release some of the past into the waves. I went to my cousin’s wedding and had a wonderful time. It was a day filled with laughter, music and peace. *hugs*

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  2. Like Lise-Marie, I started writing again and revised the whole first chapter. I was happy to wake up this morning to a downpour. I love dark rainy days, especially when they are much needed. I’m glad Luna is here to keep me company. Not a lot of big things, but it’s all joyful to me. (((Hugs))) ❤

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    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      That, Debbie, is a HUGE joy to me, knowing you got back into it. When the rain started last night, I thought of you! I know rainy days are your favorite kind of day to write. Looks like you’ll have a few good days coming. 🙂
      Thank you, darling.

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  3. My joy is that it’s raining! I never thought I’d say that but everything is getting so dry. So bring on the rain and make my grass green again!! And congrats Lise Marie!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Joy: Autumn is finally here – there’s a bite in the air every morning; the maple in my front yard is turning red and leaves are falling. I picked up my horn again “for real” after many absent years, and found confidence I thought was gone forever. I started writing again, (and found confidence there, too) and even though the writing is on a hold right now (because I’m PLAYING AGAIN!) I’m still thinking about it and I think I know what derailed me – and in a few weeks I know I have the ability and the will to get back to it. And succeed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      Joy and more joy. And you can tell me all about the show tonight!
      Autumn hasn’t quite committed to this part of CT, but it’s coming. Leaves are golding just outside my window, even if the humidity still says “summer.”

      Thank you. I’m not sure anyone truly comprehends just how much this helps me.

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  5. I’m glad, too, for the much needed rain. My joy for today is snuggling on the couch with my sleepy dog (I swear he’s part cat as much as he sleeps…)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. H.J. Ash

    I saw your post through a friend on Facebook and just had to share this! http://blog.theanimalrescuesite.com/corgi-loves-pool/ I hope that it gives you a smile! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Mark Nelson

    Steps. Don’t listen for the echo. Just keep moving.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Your joy is right there in your beautiful grandchildren. All the promise of life, all the joy in their smiles (and kisses, even if it’s only your picture).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      My daughter, ever aware of my emotional needs, has been liberal with videos sent and FaceTime. My head explodes daily from grandchild cuteness. Thank you, Renee. Beautiful reminder.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. dianamunozstewart

    One day not too long from now, we will be in a kitchen in Virginia. You will likely be cooking. I will likely be sipping wine and setting the table–badly. We will laugh. And you will say, “Oh, Diana” in that way that lets me know I am loved and accepted. My joy is having a friend like you. Love you. Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I lost my 14 yr old daughter to a severed spine caused by a drunk m driver. I can empathize with your pain and it’s been over 30 years. Hang in there, it will never go away but will become bearable

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    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      We are prepared, from birth, that we’ll lose certain people in our lives. When it happens, we’re sad but, we were expecting it after all. Grandparents, parents, friends, even siblings. But our children? Unfathomable. It’s not something you can ever come to terms with. I’m learning that. But I also know, from my own experience with loss and the experiences of others kind enough to share, like you, that it becomes bearable, that life goes on, and can still be good. Wonderful, even, despite the shadow. Thank you, Micki.

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