Between one year and the next

The week after Christmas, before New Years Day, is typically a week of recovery and reflection. I have a lot to reflect upon this year. Stuff I don’t really want to reflect upon. I’m also battling a wee case of pneumonia (complete with ear infection–huzzah!) to make it really spectacular. I pushed myself through all the beautiful chaos in the house, the coughing, the exhaustion, the joy and the sorrow. I didn’t have much time to think. I suspect that was partially what my family had in mind all along. How I adore them.

Monday, I finally went to the doctor because I promised my kids I would. I knew I was fine, so much better, in fact. What a waste of time, right? Wrong, kind of. I had pneumonia, but it was clearing on its own. I also have the beginnings of an ear infection. The doctor said she wouldn’t force the issue of antibiotics, since my body was fighting it off on its own, but strongly urged me take them, as I’d been coughing for three weeks. Yeah, I know. No need to torture me with that.

I’m left feeling pretty exhausted, and a little foolish. Instead of pushing myself through the holiday, I could have actually enjoyed it without the constant haze of coughing and the headache all that hacking caused. Reflecting on it now, I  think maybe it wasn’t just me being stubborn. I think it might have been something along the lines of distraction.

And maybe a little punishment.

The distraction part is pretty obvious. The punishment part is only something that occurred to me after seeing the doctor. I’m not an idiot. I knew I had more than a cold. What a grand job I did of fooling myself otherwise, and why? Because who am I to enjoy the holiday, this year of all years? My throat closes up writing this. I’m fighting back the tears. How does an otherwise intelligent, introspective, intuitive woman do this to herself? Here I learn another lesson–the mind is far more tricksy and powerful than anyone suspects. It’s like there are a whole lot of “others” in there, with their own agendas, playing their parts independent of the rest. Sometimes, it takes a while to get into a collective mindset, to see the big picture, and the harm being caused by a part not cooperating with the others. And here I learn, too, how incomprehensible my son’s mental pain truly was. How at odds he was with himself. I understand how an intelligent, introspective, intuitive person can make the wrong choice, knowing it’s the wrong choice, and not truly considering the consequences that independently-acting player doesn’t want to know about.


Filed under Family

10 responses to “Between one year and the next

  1. Elizabeth

    This song came to my mind after reading your post. Had to go look up the words and thought I’d share. “Hairshirt” by REM:
    I am not the type of dog
    That could keep you waiting
    For no good reason
    Run a carbon-black test on my jaw
    And you will find it’s all been said before

    I can swing my megaphone
    And long arm the rest
    It’s easier and better
    To just beat it from the chest
    Of desire

    I could walk into this room
    And the waves of conversation are enough
    To knock you down in the undertow
    So alone, so alone in my life
    Feed me banks of light
    And hang your hairshirt on the lowest rung

    It’s a beautiful life
    And I can hang my hairshirt
    Away up high in the attic of
    The wrong dog’s life chest
    Or bury it at sea
    All my life I’ve searched for this

    Here I am, here I am
    In your life
    It’s a beautiful life
    My life
    It’s a beautiful life
    Your life

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Maggie

    You are such a lovely women Terri. Rest my friend


  3. Mark nelson

    Time to breathe some winter salt air, take it deep, and let it catch the strands of disaffection.
    Time to gather all the detritus, the slog and the care, and exhale;
    Let the universe deal with as only it can.
    Time to breathe, again.


  4. Carol Lovekin

    Finally catching up… It makes sense to me. Learning to comprehend the incomprehensible.

    Damn … whoever said we never stop learning knew what they were talking about. Hey, wasn’t that us?
    Love in abundance, cariad. xXx

    Liked by 1 person

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