I had the strangest feeling
Your world’s not all it seems
So tired of misconceiving
What else this could’ve been…
(Believe~Mumford and Sons)
When I picked Chris up from his apartment for the last time, back in June 2015, this song was popular. There’s a line that goes, “This is never gonna go our way/if I’m gonna have to guess what’s on your mind.” I remember taking his hand across the console and giving it a squeeze, singing those lyrics to him. His mouth stayed closed.
That was it–the moment that might have changed things. There were other moments, but this was the first, the “heading it off at the pass” moment. If he had spoken. If I had pushed just a little harder. But he didn’t. I didn’t.
I’ve worn a ring ever since he died–a mourning ring. Very Victorian. The inscription reads, “If love could have saved you, you’d have lived forever.” I’ve been thinking, lately, that maybe it’s not such a good idea to wear it all the time, this constant reminder of my deepest sorrow. Yesterday, I took it off along with my wedding rings to shower, and forgot to put them back on. When I went to get them this morning, the wedding rings were there but the mourning ring wasn’t. I have no idea what happened to it, but I’m going to believe Chris took it and hid it away.
**
I had a thought the other day, watching my daughter with her kids. In her, I see me–but the the me I wish I’d been for her. Was I? It’s so hard to remember what was and what I hope was. I never knew what the word “ferocious” truly meant until her. She was my first, and I was so young. We grew up together, she and I. Maybe I wasn’t the me I wish I’d been for her, but at least she helped me become her.
Modesty Is For Suckers 
I was going to say that you’ll know when it’s time to not wear the ring all the time, but it seems Chris already knew. Correct me if I”m wrong, but he hasn’t visited in awhile, right? So this was important and something he felt he needed to do for you. I know I don’t have to say this, but trust him. He sees things from a distinct perspective now and understands things that we don’t. He’ll bring it back at the right time. I love that he watches over you. Don’t ever doubt his love for you ❤
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I’ll find it in some obvious or obscure place in time. I know I will. It’s why I’m not tearing the house apart trying. And when I do, I’ll probably laugh. I know he’s always with me in some way. I’ve even heard him laugh a time or two. 🙂
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You were the mom you were supposed to be with Jamie. If you had been different, she wouldn’t be she now. 🙂
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That’s my sincerest hope and ultimate comfort, Bea. XX
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Many hugs, dear one. I’m glad Chris took the ring – he’s keeping his part of the conversation now as best he can. And daughters tend to learn how to mother from their mothers, so I’d say the proof is in the pudding.
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I’m actually looking forward to when I find it again. I have a feeling I’m going to laugh about it.
And Jamie–my Jamie. She’s so extraordinary. I only hope I’ve been half the mom she is.
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Oh, Terri. Your posts always bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this with us. ❤
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Thank you for reading, sweetling. ❤
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I know that ring will turn up, but only when the time is right. And as far as the mother you were to Jamie, it may not have been the mother you wanted to be, but she’s a testament to the fact you did many things right. We may not always do the right thing, but if we love our kids it shows. ♥️
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🙂 ❤
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