It lingers, this strange little event from yesterday, and leaves my brain buzzing, my heart lighter. Channeling Raven’s message, and its magic, I’m not dismissing this as a strange but nevertheless insignificant event. I need to share the happiness, as well as the despair. There is both, in grief, absolutely.
I have the dearest friends, friends who know the upcoming anniversary of Christofer’s death looms, awaits me on the other side of my trip to France. They’ve worried about me all year, but especially now. And so, after lunch yesterday, they presented to me a beautiful gift, a marble turtle, a loving card, and a garden stone to put out by Christofer’s tree.
Honestly, I was so moved by joy and love, I didn’t cry the way they’d feared I would. I was simply happy to know I had these amazing women who love me so much. My friend and I talked on the way home, about Chris, the upcoming anniversary, how I feel about the boys who are paying their own prices now, a year later. There is so much “I don’t know” concerning all those things. I don’t know how I’m going to be on that day of days. I don’t know how I feel about the boys, and the penalties they face. I don’t know many things. Only time will give those answers.
Months ago, when this was all still a fresh hell, another beloved friend (gads, I have so many of those, and how grateful I am) sent me a token of love and sisterhood. She’s a dollbaby, and our mascot has always been the turtle. It’s because of a shirt I brought home from one of my dollbaby trips that Chris started calling me Turtle to begin with. Turtle has lots of space and meaning in my life. She sent me a turtle nightlight, to remind me that the smallest light can dispel any darkness.
And what did I find, upon returning home from lunch yesterday?
Yes, lit. The little turtle sitting on my beside table was lit up. I hadn’t turned it on. The cats certainly didn’t. I laughed, and then I cried, but the happy kind. My boy. He has a sense of humor. And he loves me so much.