The Ups and the Downs

Some days are harder than others. D-day, strangely, wasn’t. It was like watching a scary movie through your fingers. You can’t help watching, but if your do so through your fingers, you can keep the ghouls at bay. That’s what last week was for me. This week…

I have a confession; my first thought whenever I see a happy family is, “Fuck you.” It really is. On television, in person, on Facebook. How awful is that? It’s not directed at the happy family, but at my family’s fate. The words pop into my head instantly, and just as instantly dissipate. It brings a kind of relief, like slapping a hysterical person.

People die. There’s no way around it. We’re all going to experience loss at some  point in our lives. Parents lose children in far worse ways, under far worse circumstances. Had Chris not died, we might all be mourning him in a different way now. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe the other thing. Maybe nothing. Maybe doesn’t count for anything when the result is already in.

Frankie D and I had a perfect weekend, just the two of us. Beautiful weather, a little shopping, hanging out in the yard, playing Phase 10 (his favorite game) by moonlight. We had a great dinner out at our favorite place, got the yard ready for summer, put twinkle lights on the gazebo, and swam in the pool. Sunday night, I made clams and lobster tails on the grill, and corn on the cob. We watched the Game of Thrones finale. After a peaceful week last week, the weekend was the sigh at the end of a long, lovely day.

And now today…I find myself a bit weepy. Maybe that’s the consequence of all that peace. The ghouls held at bay got pissed. I think I’m pissed, too, because I have a good life. Better than most, I think, and yet saying that out loud feels so many kinds of wrong. Emotion and logic battle constantly. Happiness and sorrow. Hope and cynicism. That’s why I write these blog posts, to help sort through it all.


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Filed under Family

10 responses to “The Ups and the Downs

  1. ❤ I love the slide show. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs, love, peace and comfort! Your words are the clearest description of a loss like this that I have ever read. I’m glad that you can so clearly rationalize your feelings, express them, get past them, accept them and most importantly, deal with them, though fear them and dislike them at the same time. Feeling is a product of your love. The pictorial show of your family is beautiful. The love in your family is palpable. That love is what carries you through all those ups and downs. I’m certain your words are helping others with their ups and downs. Love you to pieces!


  3. The writing is working because everything you said makes sense. You do have a good life and you shouldn’t feel wrong for acknowledging it. But of course you do. I think that’s human nature for kind, loving people such as yourself. It feels wrong to feel fortunate when so many unfortunate things happen to those around us, or even directly to us. I don’t have any answers to deal with it, but I do admire how clearly you can see everything and how brave you are to share.

    The slide show is awesome. Love just screaming from every picture. Hugs. ❤


  4. Mark nelson

    Hugs. And words. And good tea. And sunshine on wet grass. And flowers hazed by happy, healthy bees…


  5. dianamunozstewart

    Saying you have a good life, allowing yourself to have a good life does not negate the fact that awful things have happened to you. There can be both. I think this piece wonderfully acknowledges both. Perhaps like you, we all need to learn to acknowledge and suffer with our pain and still find a way to come back to the place of gratitude–that place where you can still appreciate your life and the gifts you have.


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