Thoughts, upon waking

I do not in darkness dwell, when daylight holds its sway; but, in the darkness, I do dwell, on all day holds at bay. (~TLD)

Strange words to wake to, but I did. I don’t have to wonder why, though. I dream, and I remember my dreams for the most part. There are few nights I don’t go to sleep with Chris on my mind, and wake up to the same. He tends to fill in the space between.

I believe it’s because I do my best not to let the sorrow overwhelm me during the day. That’s not to say it doesn’t hit me, but I’m able to push it gently away, tell it, “Not now.” Then comes the night and pushing it away feels as wrong as it would to push him away. He needs his time on my mind, just like he needed time in my arms, when he was a baby who didn’t like to sleep on his own; or a young man who needed me to make sure he kept breathing through the night.

Day is for missing Scottie, for cherishing the broken ties he needed broken so badly. It’s for feeling Gracie’s excitement in finding her place in the world. It’s to experience Jamie’s babies, her dream career, through her eyes. Day belongs to them. And so, night belongs to Chris.

My newest work-in-progress, Heroically Lost*, is largely about knowing the difference between making choices, and letting the choices get made for us. I’m not sure if I made the choice to let Chris have the night, but I honestly don’t think I could unchoose it either. It’s just the way it happens, and I’m okay with that.

*Heroically Lost comes from a Yeats poem, A Crazed Girl


…Her soul in division from itself
Climbing, falling She knew not where,
Hiding amid the cargo of a steamship,
Her knee-cap broken, that girl I declare
A beautiful lofty thing, or a thing
Heroically lost, heroically found…


Filed under Family, Life's honest moments, poetry

12 responses to “Thoughts, upon waking

  1. Beautiful! Love you to bits!


  2. The opening quote, it’s so strong and so true. The night has a way of owning us that way. Hugs for you, always.


    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      Funny thing is, I’m pretty sure those are my words, but I’m not positive. Doesn’t sound like me! If I read them elsewhere before, I don’t know. I should do a search.

      Thanks, lady. See you in a bit.


  3. Chris may need his time with you and you need your time with him as well. Dreams at night seems perfect, silent and peaceful, the best time for a quality visit. No need to push it away, even at the sad times. ❤


  4. dianamunozstewart

    The night lays claim to a lot of my worries. I hope these are easy moments for you, and that you get some sleep too!


  5. Janis Wohlschlaeger

    The days are filled with activities that you do , life truly goes on. The nights are for pondering, self reflection, and deep thoughts. I never sleep.


    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      I hope that means you never sleep, as in, your mind is always pondering while your body rests, sweetheart. Much love to you, Janis. ❤


  6. altaredspaces

    There are so many faces to being a mother. I see you being so present for your children. Giving your days to the children that still walk the earth makes sense. Giving your nights to Chris who belongs to all things unseen makes just as much sense to me. Your heart loves. You follow the love path.

    I am so intrigued by this new discussion about choices you are having with your new book. Do we choose? What do we choose and what chooses us? What do we do with our choices? These questions all call to me. Thank you for writing and offering your heart, first to your kids and then to all of us.


    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      I’m glad you like it. The theme has been fun to explore. I think life in general is a series of choices we make consciously, and allow to be made by events. It’ll be done by the next VAB, I’m sure. Lots of time to talk.


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