Some other beginning’s end

Know what happened on moving day? As the guys were loading the truck? Our bear, the one I’ve never seen but Frank has on several occasions, came wallumping out of the woods behind the house, down the driveway, and across the street.
A bear.
If that wasn’t Chris sending us off on this leg of life’s adventure, I don’t know what it was.
 
I teetered on the brink of breaking down in the days prior to and just after the move. When I felt the sorrow welling, I pushed it down. Not now. Nope. Can’t do it. And I didn’t. It made me feel guilty, but I couldn’t leave that house if I let it overwhelm me. So I didn’t.
 
The house stopped being mine when my stuff was packed away. I detached from it, couldn’t wait for moving day. I’m so ready for a different lifestyle, simple, less work. Neighbors for the first time in nearly sixteen years. When I left, I thought I was going back to pick up a few things (like my cat) so I didn’t say good-bye. I didn’t walk room to room, remembering. Making peace. I just drove away. And I didn’t go back. That upset me, at first, but I’ve since come to realize it was better not to leave that house with that kind of emotional cloud hanging over me.
 
Leaving behind my log house on the river, in the back of beyond, didn’t quite suffice to convince my heart to tag along. It’s still there in the bricks and the boards, in the gardens no longer mine. In Jamie’s magnolia, Gracie’s cherry tree, Chris and Scott’s apple trees. Mixed into the roots of the tree where we buried Chris’ ashes. Not all of it, but a piece of it. I suppose that’s the way of such things; when you’ve lived and loved and lost so much in a place, you can’t just close the door and be done. It’s never done, and I’m okay with that. I really am.
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14 Comments

Filed under Life's honest moments

14 responses to “Some other beginning’s end

  1. Such beautiful words! That bear surely will watch over those gardens, the house, and those woods. New people with new memories will enjoy the heart you gave that home! Now you have a new nest to make your own. I, for one, look forward to your new experiences, knowing that Chris will be part of them as well! Hugs and much love!

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  2. You made it. Of course your heart and memories will always be with you. Nothing can take those things away from you. The real beauty of it is, now that you’ve downsized, those wonderful feelings and memories don’t take up any space. 🙂 I’m glad you saw the bear ❤ I think Beverly is right. The bear will make sure the gardens you've left behind are well cared for. ❤

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  3. Brooke Kinsler

    Wow, I love that you saw a bear before leaving! Soon after Chris passed, I prayed that he would show me in some way that he was “still here” maybe in a different realm that we cannot understand… I went to my backyard that day before meeting friends to honor Chris’s life and a huge deer appeared and stood about 6 feet away from me- so calm, so intense, just staring, not afraid. I believe it was him, expressing that he was ok.

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  4. Tricia

    Beautiful, absolutely beautiful, Terri! Wishing you peace and happiness in your new home. Knowing always that your bear is in a place called home in your heart.

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    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      Thank you so much, Tricia! Bear was Christofer’s “spirit animal.” His camp name was Grizzly. 🙂 So yes, he’s home there, in my heart, and out where he’s happiest.

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  5. Elizabeth Young

    The bear. thebearthebearthebear!!!!!!!!!

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  6. dianamunozstewart

    Wow! A bear. Chris’s symbol. The symbol of strength and courage. Goosebumps. LKTAOTAS

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  7. All the best in this new stage of life, Terri! I know it’s going to be marvelous!

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