Wanting too much

I.

I want to see him, to ask him why he didn’t speak when he was the only one who could have changed this horror. I want to ask him why, if he loves me, he let this happen. I want to know what went through his head when he drove out to Waterbury, by request or not, and bought the heroine that would kill my son, his friend. Was it the money? Was it stupidity? Was it both? Yeah, it was both.

II.

I want to see him, to tell him I know he never meant for this to happen. I know he’s devastated, and ashamed. My son paid for his bad decision with his life, and so did he. He has to live with knowing his actions resulted in a friend’s death. A friend he loved. A family he loved. He will forever have this riding on his shoulders. I want him to know he can become a better person, a smarter person, if he lets himself. I want him to know I might hate what he did, but I don’t hate him. I don’t want bad things to happen to him. I don’t want his life ruined. That won’t bring my son back, and he wouldn’t have wanted that anyway. That’s just who Chris was.

III.

I want to see him, to rage at him and ask him why my son’s life was worth thirty bucks. All he had to do was say to me, “Chris is in trouble.” That’s it. Four simple words that would have saved a life. Two lives. Because even if my son spiraled out of control and ended up dead anyway, he would not have gone down with him. He’d have been a hero instead of a villain. I want to rage at him for my son’s death, and his own destruction, because he’s done in this town he was born and raised in, where his family is, his friends, whether or not he serves significant jail time.

IV.

I want to see him, to see if he’s the person I thought he was, or truly the monster I feared in the days after my son died. I’ll know the instant he sees me, by the expression on his face. By his eyes. It won’t matter what comes after that. That instant will say all I need to know.

V.

I want to see him, for me. And for him. He is the one open end I can close. In my never-ending quest to pull positives out of negatives, I accept I’m the only real way he’s ever going to have a shot at a better life. He might not know that, but I do. I can make or break this kid. Me, alone. Because he called me Mom. Because I mattered to him. And so did Chris. It’s not my duty to him, but my duty to  myself. To walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

VI.

I want to see him. I probably never will. Whatever I feel about him, the legal system has him now. It’s not about forgiveness. There’s no such thing in a situation like this. It’s not about doing what Chris would want. I’m his mother, and I get to be more selfish than that. It’s not about being noble or kind or foolish or sappy. It’s about me. All about me. This is who I am, good or bad. Right or wrong. I can’t be anybody else. And what I want more than anything is to make a difference, somehow, in a positive way, and by doing so lessen this huge and heavy weight. At least, I want to try.

VII.

Wanting and getting are not necessarily compatible. And I want too many disparate things to get any of them. Fabulous.

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23 Comments

Filed under Family

23 responses to “Wanting too much

  1. Lynne

    I cried as I read this, Terri. The depth of your pain is unimagineable. Please know you are in my thoughts so often. You are an amazing woman.

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  2. Elizabeth

    My two cents…….give yourself some more time to grieve and rage and question and then maybe you can narrow down 6 scenarios to one or two which might be doable.
    I’m pretty sure I’d be all rage in this scenario but I can’t begin to put myself in your shoes……
    I do think that you need to TRY to put the focus on you for now. Regardless of what you might have meant to him in years past, right now, your responsibility is to your and your family’s mental health and well being. Not anyone else. Especially not him. Not now.

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    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      Really, Elizabeth, it’s all about ME. I remember learning once, a theory Nietzsche had, that everything we do, even the most benevolent act, is ego-centered. We do good because we like the way it makes us feel. That’s a whole new debate! But it’s kind of like that.

      I don’t like the way it feels to hold on to negative anything. It hurts me, whereas it makes others feel better. The whole “turn the other cheek” vs. “an eye for an eye.” There’s no WRONG way to feel.

      I feel no responsibility to this guy. None. I feel responsibility to me.

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      • Kelly Spillane

        Hi Terri! Reading this – it is obvious you are deeply caring person. Forgiveness is part of your true nature which makes you a very powerful person in a world of hate. You will forgive him when you’re ready but it is ok to forgive yourself now for maybe not being ready for that. It has become more and more clear to me why your children are all so wonderful. They had an unstoppable force of love around them at all times. You’re a beautiful person and I just wanted you to know that. ❤

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      • Terri-Lynne DeFino

        I read this late last night, while doing my (slightly obsessive) email check before bed. Kelly, wow. I swear it made me sleep better. I’m kind of feeling like a fraud as a mother, a job I’ve always been super-confident about. I lost one, you know? It’s made me rethink everything I ever thought I knew about who I am in that regard. Thank you for the boost of confidence, for your sweet and sincere words. Truly. ❤

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  3. Many hugs to you, Terri. I admire your innate drive for reconciliation and healing in all its dimensions. I hope you find at least a little of what you want. Peace and blessings.

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    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      Saying all this stuff “out loud” vs. keeping it private helps me immensely. I was telling a friend this morning, that I didn’t actually mean for this to go live. I wrote it and scheduled it, figuring on making up my mind over the weekend. Then I didn’t remember until about midnight last night, so I said fuck it, and let it go.

      Putting it out and having and knowing others SEE it takes it out into the world, out of my head. It’s amazingly lightening.

      thanks, love. ❤

      Like

  4. Hugs, Terri. I feel your anguish in what you’ve written. It’s frustrating how a simple turn of events could have changed everything. There’s no way to understand why it went as it did. You are being remarkably strong and open. Perhaps this will help you heal. xxoo

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    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      It helps a great deal, Shar. Like I said, it’s all about ME. And now that I think about it, putting it out lets others carry some of the burden away for me, but…wow…that’s kind of assholish of me! Ah, well. I can live with it.

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  5. Mark nelson

    Patience can turn pain into power. Hugs. Xo

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  6. Hugs, Terri. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Hopefully time will help ease the pain. ❤

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  7. This is powerful work, this healing. I am taking this in deeply and so honor you and your great heart in this journey. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. Much love to you. ❤

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  8. I don’t care how you couch this as a selfish expression, it is your generosity of spirit that shines through. To forgive Chris’s killer, because that’s what he is, is beyond charitable. It can only come from a giving heart. I hope this young man gets to see this and understands how many lives he has betrayed including his own. It’s a terrible burden and he will suffer for it always regardless of the official punishment.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Kelly Ramsdell Fineman

    So true, lovely and heartbreaking in the way you’ve written it and explained how conflicted your feelings are. You handle things with such love and grace, I find you a true inspiration. Maybe some day, you will find that he wants to see you, too. Or that you no longer want to see him. Whatever will be, will be right, I presume. And taking care of yourself first is decidedly right. {Hugs}

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    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      I hadn’t considered that, Kelley, that one day, I might no longer feel the need or desire to see him. I waver, even now, because I’m just so torn.

      Thank you, love. ❤

      Like

  10. dianamunozstewart

    You continue to surprise me. Your forgiveness of him is a true and generous kindness. And does Chris proud.

    Like

    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      Thanks for the kind words. Not feeling generous or kind. More conflicted than anything. And today, rather sad. Boo. But thanks.

      Like

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