A hurdle crossed

I didn’t leap over it. I kind of crawled under it. But it’s done. Behind me.

I went through Christofer’s phone.

We got it back from the police station a few months ago. Cases had been tried, and sentenced. They were finally finished with it. I put it away, unable to look at it. I didn’t want to see what was in there. I couldn’t handle it. I promised it to Scottie, but figured it could wait. He had a newish phone, and he understood. Then he lost his phone. It was silly to buy a new one when I have this beautiful machine sitting here, waiting. That’s when it started, this need to see what was in there.

Scott found his phone, said he could wait on his brother’s. I told him, no–I wasn’t ready to see what was in there, but a guy at Dad’s work could back it all up, wipe it and I’d send it to him. That was supposed to happen yesterday. It didn’t.

So I did it this morning.

Frank went to play golf. It had been nudging me, to be honest. I wanted to be able to get at his Facebook; I knew he’d saved the password on his phone. Honestly, I wanted to see those last conversations, with my own eyes, today. And it just…happened.

I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know. My suspicions about the timeline of events was correct, as was my assumption of the conversation that led to my boy’s death. Assumptions of things going on in his life, with other people, came as no surprise. It broke my heart, and it made me happy. I saw what I already knew, in my head, in my heart. The only difference now is that I’m not supposing, but sure.

I deleted what needed deleting, saved what needed to be saved. There’s only one thing I need Frank’s computer guy to do for me–save the photos and video. I’m sure it’s a simple thing, but I couldn’t figure it out. I did delete a few, for reasons that shall go unmentioned. If you’re reading this and suspect it’s you, know all is well.

It’s done. I feel like I’ve been moving rocks. Big ones. Uphill. Sisyphean imagery intended. Because no matter what task I complete where this subject is concerned, it never changes anything, really. I’m still going to be happy, and sad. I’m still going to rage, and find peace. I’m still going to love him and miss him and be furious with him and understand him. I will still have questions that, even when answered, are not enough.

Peace.

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25 Comments

Filed under Family, Life's honest moments

25 responses to “A hurdle crossed

  1. You are brave, Terri. ❤️

    Like

  2. dianamunozstewart

    Love you.

    Like

  3. Lise-Marie

    hugs. that’s all. hugs

    Like

  4. Beth

    I understand this too. Being a little paralyzed regarding finding out anything and then it becomes real. Like there hasn’t been enough real :(. Praying that as you go through these hurdles, only the love remains ❤️

    Like

    • Terri-Lynne DeFino

      I’m trying very hard to hold onto the memories and let go of the pain. It’s not always as easy as it seems or sounds. Thank you so much.

      Like

  5. Doreen Profeta

    Terri ,I know how difficult this must’ve been for you. You have a courageous soul. Hopefully you are now at peace . Love you
    Xoxoxo

    Like

  6. Elizabeth

    So glad there were no surprises and that you just got it done. One less unknown…..one less ‘thing’. It counts for something.

    Like

  7. Maggie

    you never stop amazing me

    Like

  8. Mark Nelson

    Power. Patience. Peace. You have all three in spades. Hugs!

    Like

  9. Carol Lovekin

    It doesn’t matter how we cross the hurdles, so long as, eventually, we do. And do so when we’re ready.
    You were ready.
    #Shero xXx

    Like

  10. J. Kathleen Cheney

    ::big hug::

    Like

  11. Pingback: The unexpected kindness of social media | Modesty Is For Suckers

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